[01-07-06]

The Worst Movie Ever.

I’m not kidding; I went to this movie expecting it to be one large steaming pile of crap, and was still blown away by how bad this film was.  It should be shown in film schools as a guide of what not to do when making a film.  There are a few points I would like to share from this film, gems of a sort that need to be discussed:

Ø      In a word: Flashbacks.   This movie has more flashbacks then the Betty Ford Clinic.  There are at least four, not one or two or three, but four fucking flashbacks in the first 10-20 minutes of the film!  What pathetic waste of a director decides to flash back to something that happened about FIVE FUCKING MINUTES ago and would have been seen in the order it happened if YOU WEREN’T MAKING IT A FUCKING FLASHBACK. And on that note, I DON”T NEED a film to flash back to the same event more than once, maybe twice.  You insult me and the other eight people in the theater when you think we can’t remember what happened 10 minutes ago (more on this later).

Ø      Dialog: words spoken by actors in films.  Shit: what passes for dialog in this film.  Not only is the writing worst than an episode of the Teletubbies but not one person in this movie delivered a performance that didn’t make me feel like I was watching my best friend rape my mother while killing my dog.  Now that’s something I would pay $7.50 for, not really but it’s the thought that counts.

Ø      Having horrible nightmare of me killing hoards of people, including my only friend, really makes me hot.  But only if I’m the, <chough> star of this film.  Then of course I would, being a half-vampire female, fuck, in an unnecessarily awkward position the first guy I see upon waking, a person I have only spoken three sentences to before this.  Later I’ll blush like a school girl with a vibrater on high shoved as far into myself as it will go when I see him because it was sooooooo goooooood my icy exterior melted due to his hot man juice.  Now as a guy I enjoyed seeing Kristinna Loken’s rather fine breasts but even I felt all women just fell back about 200 years due to that scene.

Ø      Fight scenes choreographed by a blind retard.  No, wait, even a blind retard wouldn’t have made it look that bad.  Just pure shit in motion.

Ø      There’s this word that seems to pop into my mind every time I hear someone in this film speak, no it’s not suicide, but close, motivation.  Missing from the script as well as the performances, just…….plain bad.

Ø      I can’t even tell you what the plot was, it was so hard to follow, maybe I need a reminder every 10 minutes, or maybe it was just bad.  People knew about things they weren’t even there for, the killing machine that is Rayne is knocked out for hours but a weak blow to the head, no one seems to care about anything, and nether can I.  I spent most of my time squirming in my seat trying to will the movie to end, the last film I (paid for and) walked out on was Pearl Harbor, and I’m not going to let this piece of shit trump that piece of shit in that department.

All in all I think I blew my wad of vengeful anger on this one.  Let’s just hope I can still like the games now, they were such fun to play…..maybe later……much later.